3/22/25

     I took some time today to work on my computer space today. I figure if I'm going to have a desk, I might as well have a space with ambience. Currently the theme of my space is purple, cozy, fairy-lit garden space. I still have to put up some of my dry erase boards,  maybe hang up some photos, but I'm happy with it. It's a relaxing space. Hopefully I continue to use it. It's amazing how little I use a computer anymore. I feel like I used to spend so much time in front of one, now I don't even know what to do when I sit in front of one. I know a solid reason is because of Kyle. He's no longer 600 miles away and we're not forced to talk online anymore.

    I set up Steam and a castle building game called Tiny Glade. It's a great game to listen to an audiobook to while you build castles and towns aimlessly. My computer isn't as fast as the game would like but I'm still able to play. I've made a few little towns to try it out and get used to the controls. 

    I really wish I could get back into drawing. That was a huge part of why I was always on the computer. I used to love drawing, but I feel like I grew out of it or my imagination dried up. I had gotten a new Wacom tablet a few years ago but found I had lost my handle of it and couldn't seem to get the grasp of it again.

    I thought about trying to write a book or something. I have a whole world at my disposal but I never had an actual story. The person who told the stories of the characters so I could draw things is almost a stranger now. I'm sure if I asked Kyle he could come up with something. With all the D&D he plays, I'm sure he could point me in a fun direction.   

    I guess I'll figure something out. I feel like I don't really have a hobby anymore when it comes to having a PC. I'm not much of a gamer, I don't go on Reddit to talk to people. 

3/14/25

Wednesday, 3/12/25, was a long day. 

It was Athena's 18th birthday. 

It was the 2nd session for her tattoo.

It was the first time in a long time that I cried for her.

    It's amazing how much you can miss something. This was the first year I couldn't celebrate her birthday the normal way. Normally it would have been a day to take her shopping for so much stuff she didn't need but deserved. I would have made her a special dinner; maybe steak, venison, lamb. I would have taken her hiking weather permitting. I would have had a special outfit picked out for her. I feel like I did a pretty good job keeping myself together the entire day, especially after seeing her face in color on my arm after 4 hours of pain. The tattoo isn't finished, but just getting to see her face in color has made the price tag and pain worth it.

    The night before I had a hard time getting to sleep. Something felt entirely wrong. I figured it was my anxiety, which normally gives me issues at night. I got up to go downstairs and get something to eat but ended up sitting at the table in the dining room and broke down. I haven't cried for her in a while. The sheer amount I miss her sometimes makes me feel insane. The things I would give to get to pet her again, get sass from her again, have her hog the bed at night. I pulled up videos of her on Facebook just to hear her bark and see her move again. It's been almost a year since she left me and I still feel broken and like a huge piece of me is still missing. Sometimes I wonder if I ever end up with another dachshund if it'll help or make things worse.

    I guess I'll just finish this up with thank you, Athena, for spending your life with me. I hope I was as good a dog mom as you were being my heart and soul.

I'm back, maybe?

 It's been quite a while since I used this platform. I actually forgot it even existed. A whole lot of stuff has happened since the last time I posted anything and I thought it might be fun to get back into blogging. My therapist wanted me to start writing but I can never get myself to pull out any of the numerous and beautiful journals I own (paper hoarder). So I guess, where to begin?

For one, I'm no longer in NY. I moved to MI almost 6 years ago to try and finish my vet tech degree. I moved for other reasons, such as to get away from my now ex-husband and to have my best friend near me. I still go home twice a year if possible, and one day I really do want to move back, but we'll see what happens I guess. 

My soul dog, Athena, passed away almost a year ago after 17 amazing and journey filled years. I miss her every single day. She'd have been 18yrs old this coming Wednesday. In her absence are two absolutely insane cats. Sometimes I feel like each one embodies a little bit of her. Laszlo is a snuggler and a beggar, he's vocal and opinionated. Lilith is stubborn and independent and has grade-A side eye. I also live with Aech, who belongs to Kyle. She's your perfect example of a Staffy; food driven, lazy, almost too pure and wouldn't know how to be mean if her life literally depended on it.

I'm finally working in a vet clinic. I got certified to be an assistant. Both unfortunately and fortunately I never finished my degree. Covid hit right when I was trying to start my first semester. I made the choice to step back and wait to see how the pandemic affected everything, and while there I realized that I didn't want to go into that much debt. While I enjoy my job and was lucky enough to find a unicorn of a clinic (at least for now) it's starting to take a physical toll on me. I really hope to stay in vet med but maybe start looking for a more reception-based role.

I've gotten into hobbies that I started to lose interest in because of the mess I was constantly dealing with before the divorce. I've picked up reading again, though in the form of audiobooks. I've started to craft again, trying out new stuff like beading. I've started cooking and baking. I even keep up on my favorite video games when Nintendo graces me with something. I forgot how much stuff I used to love doing.

I finally took the step to start therapy and get on some anxiety medication. It's been an amazing help. While I still deal with messy depressy days and my anxiety isn't perfectly under control, I feel like I'm trying to make progress. It's wild what you realize you've gone through and how getting away from certain things can and will change your mental state. This blog will hopefully be one of my outlets where I can tell stories about the insane shit I go through at work and in my life in general.

I guess I'll end this with some pictures of the furry monsters and such as a bit of a photographic starting point. Enjoy-