11 April 2012

How NOT to get a ferret

 OR: Why Nicole Hates Kids and Their Stupid Parents

So for the new people on here, I work for Petco. I've been with the company for nearly 4.5yrs, and I'm the "ferret person" at the store.

So tonight was like any other night. I get in, mom is telling me what needs taking care of over in the fish dept, and I'm yawning in boredom at the prospect of scrubbing 100 tanks all night. A couple hours into the shift I hear keys rattle at the ferret hex and make a bee-line over to see whats going on. Barb is there with a woman and her daughter holding the ferrets, so I offer to take over. I start talking to the woman as she struggles to hold one of our little kits.

Her daughter wants one, and needed to know what it took to care for one. Now, I wont lie. I have this issue with judging people's intelligence by how they look/dress/speak. The way the woman looked and how her daughter was acting registered as "herp-derp-McTardson" on my intelligence scale. So I start off with "how much do you already know about them? Have you ever owned one?". This is the following conversation that was had--

Mother: well, I had one like.... 15yrs ago? It was before she was born. So a long time ago. But I got rid of it.
Me: Alright, well, a lot of info and care have changed in that amount of time. So, I guess I'll start at the beginning.
Mother: *looks at her daughter, who cant be more than 12, but dressed like an 18yr old hooker at a nice club* You better be listening, because YOU have to take care of this thing.
Me: Alright, so. You'll have to take her out for at least 4hrs every day. You'll have to clean their litter pan--
Me: ...YOU'LL have to clean the litter pan EVERY DAY. YOU will have to make sure that the cage stays clean, take her to the vets every year for a wellness visit and rabies shots, which btw are now mandatory by state law in NY.
Mother: Are you serious?!
Me: Yeah. Like I said, things changed quite a bit. Anyways. Just so you know, ferrets have a VERY high chance of getting forms of cancer by the age of 5yrs. So you'll want to be prepared for that.
Mother: Ferrets dont get cancer.
Me: Tell that to my 2 boys at home who both have adrenal disease. So, do you understand that ferrets are NOT hamsters? YOU WILL need to play with it every day for the next 6+yrs of its life. YOU will be in charge of teaching this little one to not bite, not poop on the floor.
Girl: *Literally bursts into tears. I mean literally. She pulls her hood over her face and starts balling her eyes out stomping her feet*
Me: And all the whining and crying in the world WILL NOT teach your ferret how to act. Again. Theyre not play toys. Theyre not hamsters. You need to be capable of caring for this animals. And it seems like you're still too young to do that.
Girl: I WANT A FERRET I WANT A FERRET NOW NOW NOW *stompy crying hissy fit and storms away covering her ears*
Mother: Do you understand what the lady is saying? Get back over here and listen to her because she knows what shes talking about!
Me: Well, if she's so dead set on one, how about you bring her by Sunday between 2-3pm. We're having a ferret workshop. She can see and meet different ferrets and their owners and I will even personally bring in one of my boys so she can see what a bald, old, sick ferret looks like.
Mother: Bald? That's gross.
Me: Well what happens when your ferret gets sick and ends up bald?
Mother: I'll just take it out back and shoot it. God, Never mind. I'll just come back tomorrow and buy one.

NOT if I have anything to do with it. I've already warned the staff and told managers that if she comes back NOT TO SELL HER ONE. I swear to the gods that if I come to work tomorrow and find out she bought one, I'll be turning whoever sold it to her into animals services.

I hate kids to start with. But ones that act like that just to get what they want, I wanted so badly to just smack her in the face. The mother too mind you. I was extremely angry after that, but just the fact that I made that girl cry and messed up her pre-teen terrible make up job made my night better. Obviously I'm twisted if I get joy out of making kids cry, but sometimes, they need an adult to be flat with them. It almost made me think that I should have one just so I can raise it right and show it off like some rare species of animal.

I still plan to take Titus to the workshop, just to see if they DO come by. And take my word for it, if they insult my Titus because he's old and bald, I may loose my job. And they'll probably loose their teeth.

Have a good night.


  1. AWESOME POST! I wish there was an intelligence test to take before you can become an owner of a ferret. Most would fail....

  2. Working in pet shop for ferret lovers is very hard :(